What do I stand for??

It seems of late, the things I am noticing that I want to document are not just the moments I share with others, but moments I seem to have alone. The part I like best about my age is the self-awareness and willingness to take a hard look at myself and enjoy the things I am learning about myself, even those that are ugly and really suck to realize.

Lately, I’ve been really confused. I’m realizing I have made a huge mess of things and have absolutely no idea how to fix it, how to clean it up, or how to abandon it if that is what I need to do. It has rattled me a bit, because I thought I was on the right path, headed in the right direction, but more and more I’m realizing that I have been settling and living a lie.

It makes me question what it is I really stand for. Then, I start thinking of all the huge things that I want to stand for and it is overwhelming. I feel like I’m drowning when I try to process it all. The big question, “Who am I?” is really one that takes decades to figure out.

I don’t usually back away from the hard and challenging things. I’ve have faced some hard battles and demons and been the victor many times. Some, I have faced totally leaning on God, and others I have fought myself. (In case you are wondering, the ones holding onto God’s back are much easier to fight. Why I try to fight some of these whoppers on my own is beyond me. Mostly, I’m sure, is because I’m stubborn and stupid.) But, this huge question, "What do I stand for?" has me running scared.

So, because I’m trying to bit this off in smaller pieces, I started looking at the little things I stand for at the moment, and the little things I want to stand for. Then, I heard a song that seemed to lay it out almost perfectly for me.. The lyrics are:

When you ask me, who I am
What is my vision?
And do I have a plan?
Where is my strength?
Have I nothing to say?
I hear the words in my head, but I push them away

'Cause I stand for the power to change
I live for the perfect day
I love till it hurts like crazy
I hope for a hero to save me
I stand for the strange and lonely
I believe there's a better place
I don't know if the sky is heaven
But I pray anyway

And I don't know
What tomorrow brings
The road less traveled
Will it set us free?
Cause we are taking it slow
These tiny legacies
I don't try and change the world
But what will you make of me?

'Cause I stand for the power to change
I live for the perfect day
I love till it hurts like crazy
I hope for a hero to save me
I stand for the strange and lonely
I believe there's a better place
I don't know if the sky is heaven
But I pray anyway

With the slightest of breezes
We fall just like leaves
As the rain washes us from the ground
We forget who we are
We can't see in the dark
And we quickly get lost in the crowd

'Cause I stand for the power to change
I live for the perfect day
I love till it hurts like crazy
I hope for a hero to save me
I stand for the strange and lonely
I believe there's a better place
I don't know if the sky is heaven
But I pray anyway
(I Stand, Idina Menzel)

I wish I had the passion and fire I see in some of those I care about. To be able to be so strong in their beliefs, opinions, logic. All that intelligence, fire and power behind their convictions. I too have that kind of fire, but I seem to focus more on matters of the heart than matters of the world.

My strongest opinion at the moment is the belief in the power to change. I battle the fear of the unknown more than any other thing in my life. Yes, there are times I take huge steps back to find the place of peace when it gets too uncomfortable, but I don’t stay there long. I can’t, nor do I want to. To really change I have to keep moving in the direction I want. Every road has a predetermined destination. Standing still is worthless.

Nothing will drive me to distraction more than someone staying in the victim role, or hearing how a person cannot change. It's such crap. You just have to want it. I do have the power to change. I can change myself for the better and change the patterns of the past. Change my life. Be healthy, whole. The trick is finding the courage to deal with all of the consequences. Which, is another matter altogether.

For now, I’m focusing on the fact that I do have the power to make it happen.

The Cage

I was reminded of a story I heard about a tiger tonight. In the story, a Bengal tiger was stolen from the wild as a cub and sold to a small traveling circus. He was kept in a cage most of the time. In the cage he was fed, and watered, but also abused, starved, electrocuted, disciplined and tortured. But, the confines of the cage were what he knew and found comfort in. After a few years the tiger was rescued and sent to a wildlife refuge. There he was cared for, given medical attention and even a little love from human hands, something he had never known. As he healed and grew strong, the handlers moved his cage to the opening of a large enclosure. The enclosure was similar to his native habitat, it contained grass, trees, sunshine and even a small river. The opening of the cage was placed at the door of the enclosure, so the tiger could see, hear and smell all it had to offer. The tiger stayed in the cage.

The handlers tried for weeks to lure him out. Finally, after putting his food and water outside of the cage for days, the tiger slowly and cautiously stepped out of the cage and onto grass for the first time in his life. It was easy to tell how uncomfortable the tiger was in his new environment. The grass felt funny under his feet and he lifted his paws high to avoid the odd feeling. After he had eaten, he ventured out a bit further eventually rolling on the grass and even basking in the sun. After a short while, he got up and returned to the cage where he stayed. Each day he ventured out, staying and exploring the enclosure a bit longer, eventually learning to play in the water. Sadly, as good as the sun, grass, water and freedom felt, he always returned to the cage he knew so well.

After almost a year, his handlers decided to cut off access to the cage to encourage him to find safety and even joy in the enclosure. He ventured out for his daily romp and the handlers pulled the cage back and closed the door to the enclosure. Almost immediately, the tiger began to become agitated. Pacing, rocking, roaring in front of the door where his precious cage had been. He laid down, miserable. The handlers did all they could to encourage him to find some peace in the enclosure, but the longer he was denied access to the cage, the more agitated and dangerous he became. Eventually, he stopped eating and drinking, became self-destructive by chewing and scratching himself, leaving the handlers no choice but to give him access to the cage once more. He spent the rest of his life giving himself some access to the joys of the enclosure, the grass, water, sun and freedom. But, always returned to cold, metal square he knew and despite the history, found comfort in.

This beautiful, brave creature was completely captive to the familiarity of the confines of the cage.

When relaying the story to a friend of mine I couldn't stop the tears, because I realized just how much like the tiger I am. It frustrates and angers me to no end. Absolutely beyond measure.

I want so very badly to be brave, to enjoy all that life has to offer, laughter, true love, walks on the beach, deep conversation with close friends and loved ones, grass, sun, playing in the the water.... Freedom. To let the door to the cage shut and live life out in the open, with my arms stretched out, taking it all in, feel the joy and take the risks willingly and never look back at it. But, the realization I am having tonight, is that I will never be able to. Not completely.

I will never really be able to give up the cage and all it encompasses. The fear, the doubt, the belief that I'm not worth it, don't deserve it, that I will always be broken in some capacity. The parts I hate most about myself and how I deal with things, will always be there. I'll run back to the cage when any small inconsistency pops up in an ideal situation, or I'm hurt in a way that surprises me.. or as small as getting stuck with a rose thorn forgetting they exist because the beauty of the gift of the flower overwhelmed me. I'll run to the cage when dealing with the potentials that life brings. The potential of getting hurt, of losing family members to illness, and a variety of other things.

Like the tiger, the cage is my safety net. I can walk further from it, stay out of it for longer periods, but deep down, I will always need it. It is part of who I am. My past, present and future. I can't help but feel it doesn't do anything but make me a coward and I hate that.

I know that there are those that love me that want and believe that they can help me give it up and move forward. But, the reality is that they can't. Circumstance, appropriateness and capability are all part of the reason why, but the truth is, I'm on my own with this one. I love them for it. I know they love me, and want all the things for me that I want for myself. That gives me an incredible amout of comfort in all the frustration and anger.

As hard as realizing something like this is, I'm grateful too. There are many that go through life never really knowing themselves, or worse, trying to hide who they are. They never really learn their capabilities to love, change, or accept who they are completely. Or, they are never willing to believe that those who love them really do accept them for all they are.

I am not one of those people.

That alone just may make it all worth it.