To say that the last 18 months have been difficult is a major understatement. Add the 18 months before that and I have been in a special kind of hell for pretty much 3 years. Whenever I hear people say.. "She is having a difficult time.", I want to punch them. They have no idea.
It started when my husband attempted suicide on May 1st, 2012. It got worse on July 1, 2013 when he finally completed suicide and rattled my world like a major earthquake. The 6 months that followed were even worse. Difficult? No. Torturous, painful, gut-wrenching, heart-breaking. Agonizing. I was abandoned by those I thought loved me, I was hurt by those I trusted, But, I was also cared for by those who know the true meaning of friendship/love and refused to let me fall.
They saw me through some very, very dark times.
As I have been attempting to put my life back together, I realize that it is the hardest work I will ever do. I am broken. More than likely beyond repair in some aspects. His suicide has taken so much from me, things I will never get back. My heart and soul are damaged. Held together by scaffolding made of toothpicks, tape and glue and could collapse again at any moment. I often tell those close to me that I am not as strong as I seem. I know they don't always believe me. But, I often scream on the inside. "Please listen!" A few do.
As time passed, good days came. At first they were rare, just moments. Then a few solid days here and there, then more often. Then, acceptance that I'm not the same girl I was and I work now on trying to find the balance of the new normal. Grab a hold of who I am now.
I started out 2015 hopeful. Hopeful that there would be more good days than bad. I was blessed with a fantastic run of 16 good days in a row. Yes, there were moments of sadness and times of tears, but overall the days were good.
One moment in particular sticks out. It was a beautiful normal moment that I was beyond grateful for.
I had started out the morning in tears. I woke up crying due to a dream. It is something that happens often, nothing new or disturbing about it. Painful, but it just is. From there I went to the gym where my trainer let me have it. It felt good. Really good to push myself and push the feelings of inadequacy that fill me every time I step into that place, away. I was accomplishing so much and the feeling of my physical strength increasing was exhilarating.
From there, I went to dance class. I stretched and pulled and could feel release in muscles that had been tense for 3 years. I have no idea why that day, why that moment, but it came. Then tap. Tap. Putting on those shoes always makes me smile. The music started and away I went. Moving, keeping rhythm, matching my teacher almost step for step. There was no familiar feeling of inadequacy that tell me I can't do it. There were no trust issues. Just me, the music and a teacher that has been my friend for over 30 years who gently pushed me the entire class.
I left feeling amazing, I got in my car and turned on one of my favorite campy musical soundtracks that I hadn't listened to in so long. The top was down on my car, the sun was shining, and I was flying down the freeway. I felt that precious moment coming. I held my breath waiting for it. Then my phone rang and one of my favorite friends called asking to go to lunch. There it was.
Right there. That new normal. I was myself. Nothing odd or painful or agonizing. No hesitancy, No fear. It was pure and for that moment I was just there. I thanked God for the first time in months.
That was one of many moments in the first 16 days of 2015. Moments of solitude that brought no fear. Moments of laughter with my closest friends. Moments of connecting with a faraway friend. Moments of feeling joy, dancing with my daughter, walking miles with my dog. Moments where the demons of inadequacy, fear of abandonment, wavering trust and fear couldn't touch me.
It was a good run. It was a great run. Something to hold on to. But, I have not lost the hope that another good run is out there. That more days of finding that balance are out there.
The run is over now, and I'm back sitting at the edge of the pit enveloped with those demons again, fighting like hell to not fall in. I'm left realizing again that I'm not as strong as I seem. The scaffolding holding me together is fragile, and I may lose something so precious to me because of a bad judgement call in a very weak moment at the end of a bad day. It is out of my control now. There is nothing I can do, but wait to see if a door closed in fear can be opened again. My fragile heart is in jeopardy.
It hurts. I cannot take another loss. I want to run from it all, but how do you run from yourself?