There are many who can take a compliment and genuinely accept it for what it is worth. I would really like to be one of those people. It drives those who care about me crazy to hear me devalue or deflect kind words with humor or sarcasm. It isn't that I don't enjoy a compliment, in fact, I love them. It just isn't always comfortable to hear.
Along with my fears, I attempt to also hide my insecurities. I have to chuckle as I write that because I also wear my heart on my sleeve and it is simple for those who know me to know what I'm feeling the moment I feel it. My fear, anger, hurt, joy, love, happiness are all so exposed, so the notion of hiding anything is really a big joke, but I do like the genuineness of that. It is one of the things I like best about myself and who I am.
The insecurities are another matter. After a lifetime of seeing myself in a certain way, dealing with issues and attempting to brave a traumatic past, insecurities just seem comfortable. In a crazy, broken way, I think they keep me grounded. I know them, I trust them, they are familiar. Often, because I am comfortable with them, they are easier to believe than the compliment someone may be attempting to give me. Just like that line in Pretty Woman.. "The bad stuff is easier to believe." It really is easy to push away the acknowledgements and focus on the insecurities. Which I'm realizing are just lies I seem to tell myself.
Today, someone I love seemed determined to make me really hear a compliment. At first I could feel the urge to deflect, but because of the nature of our relationship, I knew the words were genuine and I did my best to accept the words even though it made me very uncomfortable. But, the more I listened to the words, the more I realized this is how he really sees me. How is that possible? Don't all those crazy, broken parts of me show through? How is any of that lovable? Even likable?
The more he spoke, the more I found myself really wanting to hear and believe every word he said. I wanted to be the person he was talking about. Not broken, strong, loving. Fabulous.
With love and support like that, it just might be possible to put those familiar insecurities aside and venture into the scary unknown and actually believe it.
2 comments:
As someone who truly does see you as "fabulous", I'm thrilled to see you're starting to "get it". Like I told you - we all have parts and pieces that are broken. You haven't let yours hold you down, and that is an accomplishment worthy of pride and respect. And that, my dear, is so much of why I love who you are.
See that's why I love you because you are a wonderful person and once YOU GET IT the whole world will get it.
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