Fear and Faith

Fear is one of those things people don't really talk about. We are sometimes willing to discuss our daily fears, like the project we have worked for months on not being accepted, being gossiped about by co-workers, being embarrassed by something silly that slips out of your mouth in a moment of stupidity. But, the big fears big we have, we keep close to our hearts and seem to guard fiercely. It is almost as if bringing those fears into the light will expose the very core of who we are. That completely vulnerable center that we protect from harm at all costs.

There are many things that scare me. From rats and mice (yes, I'm one of those girly girls that will jump on a table, holding up my skirt to avoid them,) to close spaces, to being rejected. My deepest fears are those that I don't always discuss openly either, but when they come to light or the potential to have to live them becomes a close reality, it is difficult to keep them from constantly rolling around in your head and heart.

Having had a medical scare in the recent past, I'm not a stranger to the wondering and waiting that occurs as the process unfolds. Thinking about upcoming procedures, waiting for test results, and letting your mind go to the worst case scenarios in the middle of the night. The fear of the unknown can be a bit hard to control. You do your best to stay busy, stay positive, productive and not focus on the fear that is completely consuming you. I had hoped I would never have to experience that again. I guess I'm just not that lucky.

I'll admit I'm not proud of my first reaction. The very thought of going through something like that again was a bit much for me to take after a really bad day. I walked along the beach gathering my thoughts and trying to get a grip. I left feeling better, but still overcome by fear.
In the morning after speaking to several of my close friends and loved ones, I realized what a fool I had been. What had happened to my faith? My faith in the people who love me. The new ones in my life and those who have supported me before. My faith in my doctor, who was right there for me every step of the way the first time. But, most of all, my faith in God.

It has been in that faith where I have healed, loved, trusted, believed and drawn an incredible of strength from. The moment I took a deep breath, and leaned back into it, the peace came, along with the positive attitude and the strength to take this on again. Someone that I love dearly reminded me that God's love is perfect. That there is a plan and purpose in everything and I just need to relax. Trust. Have faith.

I just needed to remember.