Riding the train home was a new experience for me. A lover of my car and the freedom of driving where I want, when I want has become a need rather than a luxury. But, out of convenience for my family, I agreed to take the train home today. I wasn't angry or resentful. To be honest, I was thankful for the change and the chance to experience something new.
It is rare for a moment to catch me off guard. I have always had a boy scout mentality. Always be prepared. I can't control the situation, but I can be prepared for it. A worrier by nature and always trying to figure out what lies ahead, being caught off guard is rare. It happens, but I avoid it at all costs when possible.
There's no way I could have been prepared for the moment I saw today, or the way it effected me. It was the first time, in a very long time, that I was completely swept away in a moment that was not even mine. It was completely captivating and I don't want to lose the emotion it brought. So, I'm writing it down. Hopefully, it will become one of many, now that I am aware of the impact these moments can have on me.
The crowded train was full of people and as usual I was on the phone. Filling the empty space with converstions with someone close to me. After a few stops it became impossible to hear and I had to say goodbye. It was then that I noticed them. Just a few feet from where I stood, holding on to the rail as the train rocked me gently from side to side.
They couldn't have been younger than 17 or older than 22. She was sitting in the window seat, he on the aisle. He was leaning into her, his head on her shoulder, her arms wrapped around his neck cradling him into her. They were not moving, except for the occasionally intertwining of fingers, or stroking of exposed skin on each other's arms. Both of their eyes closed, just lost in the moment of being close, completely oblivious to their surroundings. The look of peace on their dark faces made it hard not to stare.
It was such an intimate moment. Not at all sexual in nature, but watching them made me uncomfortable. They were so very beautiful. Beyond description. I was witnessing a naked, pure moment between these two young people, surrounded by strangers. I longed for my camera to capture it. To burn the beautiful image somewhere, so that it wasn't just a passing thing. A moment of chance. And even though it effected me so strongly, the image is fading in my memory as I type these words, and I find it frustrating.
I watched them for a long time behind my sunglasses. Looking around to see if anyone else happened to see the beauty I was looking at. But, the moment these two shared seemed to be lost on the people around them. Mothers disciplining children, teens lost in conversation, young men bouncing their heads to the rhythm of the noise coming from their headphones, seniors clicking their tongues as they judged everyone around them. How could it be that I was the only one who noticed, the only one effected by it?
As their stop was announced and the train approached the station, she gently rubbed his forehead and the two of them stood, holding hands sharing smiles and small kisses as they walked off the train. Without thinking, I picked up my things and moved into the seat they had just occupied. When I realized what I had done, I had to laugh out loud at myself. A complete hopeless romantic, always dreaming of the fairy tale was somehow hoping that by sitting in that seat, some of the magic of that moment, their moment, would rub off. Silly notion for a woman my age, in the circumstance I am in. Absolutely ridiculous.
Yet there I sat, and I couldn't fight the tears. I was so saddened by what I realized. I have taken looking for, creating and sharing those moments for granted. I have pushed them aside because I was busy, or feeling responsible for something else, or even because those precious moments seemed an inconvenience at the time. Even worse, avoided them for fear of the pain that may come later from taking down the walls that protect my heart. I remembered that I have recently shared some naked, pure moments with a loved one very similar to what those young people shared, but when I look at where we are today, I realize the same pattern has ensued. The moments are shorter, life has gotten in the way. The emotion may still be there, but the expression has gotten buried in the hustle and bustle. It breaks my heart. I long for what those two young people have. Do they realize what they have and how very beautiful it is? Is it lost on the simplicity of their youth? Do they realize how blessed they are to have the freedom, circumstance, strength and courage to love so openly without reservations?
But, even in all the sadness and the emotion seeing this moment caused. I still can't help but feel hope. Hope that as long as I keep my eyes open, my heart open, I can see and experience more of those moments with the people that I love. Not push them away because I'm scared, guarded, busy. To make them a priority, but without forcing or rushing them. Perhaps, even have the courage and strength to create them, rather than just letting them come on their own.
I'm a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. I witnessed that moment for a purpose. If anything, maybe it is just to remember how precious they are and not to take them for granted. To be brave and take them all in. I'm not sure. But, I do know that I want to remember them as they occur. I want to remember how I'm effected by them, and how they strengthen the connection I have to those I love. I'm hoping this space is filled with them, so I never take them for granted again.
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