What do I stand for??

It seems of late, the things I am noticing that I want to document are not just the moments I share with others, but moments I seem to have alone. The part I like best about my age is the self-awareness and willingness to take a hard look at myself and enjoy the things I am learning about myself, even those that are ugly and really suck to realize.

Lately, I’ve been really confused. I’m realizing I have made a huge mess of things and have absolutely no idea how to fix it, how to clean it up, or how to abandon it if that is what I need to do. It has rattled me a bit, because I thought I was on the right path, headed in the right direction, but more and more I’m realizing that I have been settling and living a lie.

It makes me question what it is I really stand for. Then, I start thinking of all the huge things that I want to stand for and it is overwhelming. I feel like I’m drowning when I try to process it all. The big question, “Who am I?” is really one that takes decades to figure out.

I don’t usually back away from the hard and challenging things. I’ve have faced some hard battles and demons and been the victor many times. Some, I have faced totally leaning on God, and others I have fought myself. (In case you are wondering, the ones holding onto God’s back are much easier to fight. Why I try to fight some of these whoppers on my own is beyond me. Mostly, I’m sure, is because I’m stubborn and stupid.) But, this huge question, "What do I stand for?" has me running scared.

So, because I’m trying to bit this off in smaller pieces, I started looking at the little things I stand for at the moment, and the little things I want to stand for. Then, I heard a song that seemed to lay it out almost perfectly for me.. The lyrics are:

When you ask me, who I am
What is my vision?
And do I have a plan?
Where is my strength?
Have I nothing to say?
I hear the words in my head, but I push them away

'Cause I stand for the power to change
I live for the perfect day
I love till it hurts like crazy
I hope for a hero to save me
I stand for the strange and lonely
I believe there's a better place
I don't know if the sky is heaven
But I pray anyway

And I don't know
What tomorrow brings
The road less traveled
Will it set us free?
Cause we are taking it slow
These tiny legacies
I don't try and change the world
But what will you make of me?

'Cause I stand for the power to change
I live for the perfect day
I love till it hurts like crazy
I hope for a hero to save me
I stand for the strange and lonely
I believe there's a better place
I don't know if the sky is heaven
But I pray anyway

With the slightest of breezes
We fall just like leaves
As the rain washes us from the ground
We forget who we are
We can't see in the dark
And we quickly get lost in the crowd

'Cause I stand for the power to change
I live for the perfect day
I love till it hurts like crazy
I hope for a hero to save me
I stand for the strange and lonely
I believe there's a better place
I don't know if the sky is heaven
But I pray anyway
(I Stand, Idina Menzel)

I wish I had the passion and fire I see in some of those I care about. To be able to be so strong in their beliefs, opinions, logic. All that intelligence, fire and power behind their convictions. I too have that kind of fire, but I seem to focus more on matters of the heart than matters of the world.

My strongest opinion at the moment is the belief in the power to change. I battle the fear of the unknown more than any other thing in my life. Yes, there are times I take huge steps back to find the place of peace when it gets too uncomfortable, but I don’t stay there long. I can’t, nor do I want to. To really change I have to keep moving in the direction I want. Every road has a predetermined destination. Standing still is worthless.

Nothing will drive me to distraction more than someone staying in the victim role, or hearing how a person cannot change. It's such crap. You just have to want it. I do have the power to change. I can change myself for the better and change the patterns of the past. Change my life. Be healthy, whole. The trick is finding the courage to deal with all of the consequences. Which, is another matter altogether.

For now, I’m focusing on the fact that I do have the power to make it happen.

1 comment:

Tammy said...

This is strange . . . I just happen to click on your blog today, wondering if you were still keeping it up, and I see the last entry is EXACTLY one year ago. And as I read through this particular entry, it's just amazing the amount of change you've gone through in this past year. I wanted to leave a comment figuring you'd probably get something in your email letting you know someone commented, so that you too can re-read this entry from 9/22/08 and reflect on the changes you've made and where you are today compared to one year ago. I'm proud of you and love you.