Maybe this time..

It has been a long time..
While riding the train to work I thought about how much my life has changed in the last year. I stopped writing about all of the amazing things that were happening in my life because of the tremendous judgment and abandonment I felt by those who I once considered my loved ones. But as I settle into my new life and savor all the love, hope and joy that comes with every new day, the bitterness fades away, and I realized it is time to start making note of these moments again.

I woke up yesterday to the sound of my daughter singing in the shower. This is a usual occurrence. She is my child. A love of music, the performing arts, drama and all that goes with it is in her blood. It isn’t the song that indicates how she is feeling. It is the power and volume behind those songs that indicates how she really feels about herself and the world around her. At 6am on a dark, quiet chilly fall morning, I opened my eyes and smiled. I could hear her through her shower door, her bathroom door and our bedroom door belting out songs from Cabaret. I looked at my husband and the two of us just hugged and listened. It was the most wonderful sound in the world.

Change is hard for most people. Small changes are somewhat acceptable, but big changes frighten some people in such a way that the status quo becomes the better alternative. I was ok with small changes. I could be flexible, bend, sway, whatever needed to be done. But, I felt like I couldn’t make the big change.

My reasons for staying in the situation I was in had little to do with fear. I stayed where I was because I thought I was doing the right thing. For me, for her, for God. After a while I felt trapped. Angry at God for making me stay in a marriage where almost none of my needs were met and so it made it near impossible to meet his needs. It was a horrible cycle that left us damaged, bruised and empty.

Then out of the blue, there it was, a path to a different life. A life that I wanted my entire existence, but never had the courage to believe I deserved. I settled for what others thought was good for me. Maybe this time it would be different. Ahead of me, that path (if I took it) was a life I have never known, but wanted so badly it hurt. A life full of support, love, acceptance and understanding, I just had to be brave enough to step on the path and take it all the way to the end. But I wasn’t alone.

Would she ever forgive me? Would she understand? Would she thrive in her new environment? Or were the consequences too great with too much of her life at stake? So despite what others thought, I jumped. We jumped.

In a very short time I changed everything. A complete and total life change. I left my marriage, my job, my parents, my friends, my church, my hometown. I asked her to leave all she has ever known. Her world. We took some familiar things and the dog. I married the man of my dreams and we moved 2000 miles away. A new marriage, new home, new church, new family.

It wasn’t easy in the beginning. We all faced many obstacles from petty accusations, paralyzing fear, old feelings and habits, to almost killing us in a car accident, but every time God showed his face and kept blessing us. During the summer at home, we worked through things in ways I saw in other families, but never my own. We listened to each other, talked things through, communicated, got angry, fought and forgave. We worked as a team. We spoiled each other. Teased and irritated each other. The 3 of us became a real family.

Then, school started. My fear as a parent was pretty fierce. My husband’s fear as a first time step parent just may have been worse. Like our life at home, school started out a little shaky, but her strength, positive attitude, and willingness to adapt to her new environment paid off. We watched her blossom. New friends, football games, dances, double dates, sleepovers, concerts, school play, and even a sweet boyfriend with red hair. None of which she had in our old life. I watch my scared and insecure girl change into a strong, happy, healthy teen. Dedicated to her commitments, and really getting a grasp of who she is and how she fits into the world. I hope someday she will look back and see just how significant her strength was. How her hard work paid off, and by opening her heart a little, letting people see who she is she could find her place, be on the inside and accepted for who she is. A little faith was all she really needed.

Lying in bed that morning hearing her belt out “Maybe this time, I’ll win”, I had to smile at the thought of all of those in my old life who were so certain I was making a big mistake, that we would fail, that she would lose. Not this time. This time, we did win.