Sometimes you just have to say no.

Those of you who know me well, know that there isn’t much I won’t do for the people I care for. Whatever they need, whenever they may need it. That is just the way it is unless it means my daughter or family will starve. When I have the money I love to buy little things for those I love, because nothing makes me happier than seeing those in my life I care for deeply, smile.

Recently, I have been involved with a project that became very personal and dear to me. As a group, part of my church reached out to help a single mom and her 4 girls all under the age of 10. Immediately I fell in love with those little faces. They were so wanting and needing of love and attention and every kind of nourishment. Physical, emotional and spiritual. They responded to the love I gave them so openly, honestly and fervently. Their mother did too. But, the deeper I got involved, the messier the situation became. It unraveled like a ball of yarn. I have never been so frustrated.

The desire to help fought the reality that all we would be doing is enabling and more than likely make it worse or prolong the situation that was just inevitable. When did helping someone become a bad thing? It broke my heart to leave that apartment last night after trying to go over some options for her to save herself and those girls and watch her stand firm in the decision to go to an even worse situation because of pride. I left having to lean against the wall for a moment to control my tears.

Driving home and discussing the situation with my husband and my dear friend, it really hit me. It is possible to be so lost that you sabotage yourself and cannot be found. I have been there. The situation is so dark you cannot see light so you burrow in and dig deeper, getting into darker places rather than searching for the light because it seems like there is no hope. Your vision becomes narrowed and looking at the long term consequences is impossible and all you can do is go for the easiest and fastest solutions, as ugly as the long term consequences may be.

I can’t help everyone I want to. There are some situations where I have to sit back and just pray. There was a time in my life where I would have been happy to do just that, but not now. I am so blessed with my life and everything in it (with a few exceptions that make life interesting), it is so hard to not go into action. I just keep seeing those little faces and pray that God will take care of them in a way much more effective than I could.

I will not abandon this family, but for now I have to step back and it just breaks my heart.